Who am I ?

I looked and thought perhaps I'm the qualities with which I label myself. No, too contradictory. Perhaps I am the sum of my possessions and accolades. But again, a resounding no. Too impersonal and external. Ok, maybe I'm my past then. Now that seems to be true. I could even argue quite convincingly that my past made me who I am today. Hmmm. It seems so true and inevitable doesn't it. The confusing thing is for most of us, it is true. We are going around living our past in the present and projecting it into the future. Yet, it's so limiting isn't it? If I am truly an immortal soul or piece of infinite intelligence embodied in physical form, that would seem far too constraining. Possibilities and opportunities of expansion would only occur within a very limited framework and view of reality. So, what am I left with? The eternal me. The physical me is not who I really am. It's like a mask I have decided to wear for a short act of a play. It seems real from audience perspective, but after the play is over it's tossed aside into the pile of other masks to never be used again by me. I like the idea of infinite possibility; I like the notion that I get to choose the entire framework that I stand on in this reality. If I don't like a certain theme or motif, I get to re-write the story. Pretty cool huh?

Rushing feathers alight on the pond.

But such power is stilled quickly.

Serenely you glide across the glass.

No one is aware of the struggle.

The observer sees only your elegance.

Below the surface a struggle to live

Paddling for dear life against the downward pull.

Nothing comes without a price.

Grace isn't a given, but it may be achieved

Like you swan we must learn to be graceful in the face of adversity.

Being yourself in every moment

So, last night I did something that I haven't done in 3 years: I got up and did an hour set of my original music and several covers. What showed up for me was fear, anxiety, and nervousness. What I discovered is that I could choose these emotions and bring them into my performance. It was a profound realization. It made me think about the rest of my life. How often do I fight my own emotions and try to pretend I'm feeling something else? Anger becomes being "ok," anxious becomes a show of bravado. I realized that my access to power in each moment is to choose to express whatever I'm feeling authentically. So, I gave a show from being nervous, anxious, and fearful. It was amazing! I have never felt that vulnerable and self-expressed as a performer. I think we waste so much energy trying to fight what we feel or pretend it's not there. I say bring on the good and bad and ugly emotions. My anger will lead to release and thus hope. My pettiness will lead to revenge and action and finally forgiveness. I fully choose to own my shadow self.

I choose to be me

I choose to be free.

To whom do I owe my life?

My answer is no one. Recently I had to look at the part of me that feels like I owe my life to my dad. I realized that I was operating from the perspective that I owed my father and mother and family something. What I realized through meditation is that I am born as an individual with the right to my life. It is a choice to give up my life and thus power to others. Just because a father and mother raised me does not mean I owe them anything. I can be grateful for the good and bad, but really my life is mine. This helped a great deal when it came to my sexuality and accepting that. I am bisexual and this has always been an issue with my family. What came to me is that it's not my job to please them. If I take a male lover, it's really none of their business. I have been hiding in part out of a desire to please them. What I've come to is the place where I just want to please myself. I'm done being a people pleaser and allowing others to trample over my boundaries. Up until this point I chose to live this way, and I can just as easily choose to live another. Meditation really has allowed me to get so much more clarity around my hidden shadow selves. Now for a poem! This one is inspired by one of my favorite characters in fictional writing: Arithon Teir S'Ffallenn from the Curse of the Mist Wraith by Janny Wurts.

Deft fingers play across the harp strings.

They carefully lure my heart to open.

That delicate frame was never made for war.

That sensitive soul never meant to rule.

It's a cruel trick of nature that twists his fate.

Cursed twice redemption may come too late.

I sigh for his unvoiced regrets.

I cry for his hidden tears.

Green eyes sparkle with wit and acid

But behind all that there is only a deep love

And hatred for the violent path life has chosen for him.

boundaries and selfishness

The more I sit and watch myself, the more I see that I need to leave the considerations and feelings of others out of my equation altogether. They are altogether too mercurial and changeable for me to conform to. Selfishness and internal focus allows one to be more to others. I've been learning lately that honoring others at the expense of my own boundaries drains me and disempowers me. I cannot bend over backwards in enough ways to make other people happy. I think this is one of the worse disservices that our parents can do to us: stamp out our individuality. We are each born a whole person with a separate set of preferences and desires. We did not come here to please anyone else, just ourselves. Meditation has shown me that my people pleasing tendencies learned as a child no longer serve me. It will be interesting to see what shifts as I assert my boundaries...

As for the poem today, I decided on writing a limerick. I always loved writing these in elementary school....

There once was a wild young child

Who longed to be free and wild.

But his father said no

Or to the orphanage you'll go

So he thought I'd better stick to mild.

Need for validation

Today my meditation turned my thoughts to validation. The external kind. I realized how transient and fleeting this validation is. Meditation has profoundly shifted my old need for this validation. Meditation has shown me that if I can be happy alone first and foremost, I can be happy in any circumstances. My "watching" has revealed many hidden and discarded aspect of myself. I have had to confront the ugly, the bad, and the flat out scary parts of myself. I think why more people don't meditate consistently is the fear of confrontation. I think sometimes we're running around afraid that our ugliness or smallness will show. Now for a poem....

To see

What may be.

To free

What I see.

In my mind.

Suka and Duka

Today my thoughts turned to the balance of effort and ease. This mainly was because I had a voice lesson. By vocation, I am a professional voice teacher. The interesting thing about singing is that it is a careful balance of work and non-work. I joke around all the time about how Zen the study of singing is. That got me to thinking about how much this pertains to life. Life is a careful dance of effort and ease. If we don't do anything, nothing gets done. In fact we atrophy. Our basic natures are set up so that we are never content. However, all work and no ease leads us to a sure-fire meltdown. It's a careful tight-rope that we must walk. I know this as a singer and in life in general. It's the balance of letting things go and trusting in the best possible outcome while also knowing when to seize opportunities for action. Life is such a paradox and a mystery.

To know yourself is well and good

But to be yourself is better by far.

To own the world is every man's dream

But to be free from the world is rarer still.

To possess is temporary

To transcend is permanent.

Like a stone dropped in a pond

Accept the pond is eternity.

Suka and Duka

Today my thoughts turned to the balance of effort and ease. This mainly was because I had a voice lesson. By vocation, I am a professional voice teacher. The interesting thing about singing is that it is a careful balance of work and non-work. I joke around all the time about how Zen the study of singing is. That got me to thinking about how much this pertains to life. Life is a careful dance of effort and ease. If we don't do anything, nothing gets done. In fact we atrophy. Our basic natures are set up so that we are never content. However, all work and no ease leads us to a sure-fire meltdown. It's a careful tight-rope that we must walk. I know this as a singer and in life in general. It's the balance of letting things go and trusting in the best possible outcome while also knowing when to seize opportunities for action. Life is such a paradox and a mystery.

To know yourself is well and good

But to be yourself is better by far.

To own the world is every man's dream

But to be free from the world is rarer still.

To possess is temporary

To transcend is permanent.

Like a stone dropped in a pond

Accept the pond is eternity.

Woundedness

Today, I wanted to talk about feeling wounded or broken. I think we all go through it from time to time. What occurred to me as I was meditating this morning is that too often we emphasize our broken nature, our wounds, our scars. We lament the fact that we weren't born to better circumstances. If only life had given me these circumstances, I would be where I wanted to be today. This is all a lot of hog wash. We are where we are, and there isn't some magic formula out there that would guarantee a perfectly happy life. Sometimes we forget to celebrate all that we are. Sure, we all have wounds and pain, but we also all share joy, passion, life, and happiness even if only some of the time. Self-exploration is an excellent thing that serves us greatly. If it weren't for the things unwanted, we couldn't know what we wanted. In fact, without the unwanted (wounds) to look at, we wouldn't be able to ask for the improvement which leads to growth and expansion. What doesn't serve us is to continually identify with our wounds and to form our identity around them. I personally have been delving into my wounds around the subject of love. What I realized this morning is that it is wonderful to be aware, and now that I'm aware, it's time to start telling a different story. So, I'll say it here... I and we are all born fully worthy of love and fully capable of love. It is our job to rediscover constantly how to go about receiving and giving more love. It was liberating to realize this....

I saw her standing perfectly

Like a greek statue.

There was a wild look in her eyes,

A joyful lust for life.

Her smile was enigmatic as a Zen Koan.

It lured me in and taunted me at the same time.

Ocean of thought and emotions,

Pull me under again to her watery embrace.

Thoughts and a poem (again)

It's a beautiful day out today. My thoughts for today have to do with self-care and self-love. I've noticed that the more that I meditate, the more I become aware of my needs that have not been getting met. It is no one's job but mine to meet these needs. I realized that if I don't love my body, why should anyone else? If I don't see my beauty and worth, why should anyone else? I've been running around looking for external validation. As if enough people could actually convince me of my worth? Silly, now that I'm present to it. If I can't say truly that I'm worth something, then no one else can convince me otherwise. I now see that if I can find this myself, the world will only reflect that. So many of us early on decide that we have no worth or value. I think this is the greatest tragedy. We are all infinitely valuable and priceless in our uniqueness. There will never be another one exactly like us ever again. Now for the poem.

Green daggers flash back

Sarcasm shielding a soft heart.

I'm the one to bear the flack.

A delicate art.

My love so prickly

You shift so quickly.

But I'll forever brave the maze.

Reflections and another Poem

Today, I have been thinking about action versus allowing. Being versus Doing. Meditation is an act of being. You don't really do anything. Yet, despite the lack of action around meditation, I have noticed profound shifts in my life. I feel like the tempo of the symphony of my life just went from Prestissimo to a nice laid back Adagio. I no longer feel a need to really do anything. Yet, the doing shows up anyways. I find that my doing less actually does more. Too often I think we use doing as a tried and true tool to bludgeon life. If I just push hard enough and long enough, I'll get what I want. Maybe or maybe not! What if it could be easier? What if being was enough? It seems to me that when I'm being happy/positive/optimistic/hopeful/expectant around life, that life just happens as if by magic. The right people and circumstances align. The money is there. The next and the next and the next step keep lining up. The moment I try doing before I'm in that happy place, it seems like every step is a struggle. I'm scaling a mountain dragging a ton of bricks behind me. It could be the very same action but when I'm happy I feel light and free. I've a sneaking suspicion that we've all been bamboozled. The joy of life doesn't lie in the having of things, the attaining of power, the attaining of wealth, the attaining of fame. I have a feeling that the joy of life simply lies in the journey. The journey may lead to fame or obscurity, but either way when we are present to it, there is joy to be had in every step of the way. My intention is to be more and do less.

In a drop of rain

Lies pleasure or pain.

Two thoughts and a poem

Ok, so today I had two ideas I wanted to express here. (They were both so good and juicy that I couldn't choose!) The first had to do with right brain versus left brain when it comes to the creative process. I had a profound realization about what has kept me blocked with finishing writing a novel: my damned logical brain. Logical brain wants the recognition, money, fame, etc. Logical brain looks at a novel in terms of order of operations: it's an assignment. Now, enter creative/abstract right brain. Writing a novel is just an extended telling of a story while simultaneously experiencing the story. Right brain self is just excited about the journey and not worried about the outcome. Creative brain is content to enjoy the process and not judge or weight the results. In short, creative me is dying to experience the story as it flows through me! I found this interesting. I wonder in how many ways my left brain holds me back as an artist. As a performer, I might be worried about the aesthetic of being on-stage and not concerned enough with just being me (however that shows up!) I realized that writing a novel is actually taking an incredible journey into my own imagination. I get to watch the story then transcribe it! How exciting is that? It's like reading a book and proclaiming an epic at the same time! I have never thought of creative writing as channeling before. It's interesting because I do consider my songs to be channeled from outside of myself. Why wouldn't a novel be the same?

Now on to the second idea. Beauty! I had an interesting realization sitting at an event today. It took me back to being an insecure, awkward teenager. I remember feeling so ugly and insecure. Then I got to thinking... What is beauty anyways? Is one star anymore beautiful then the next? Is the rainforest more beautiful than the desert. I find it interesting that we can appreciate a variety of beauty when it comes to our surroundings but not allow ourselves the same luxury when it comes to people. Why cannot everyone be beautiful simply for their humanity? Maybe I have a preference (which I do! I'm limited by my "self") but why not appreciate the plethora of choices that life has to offer. That brought me back to myself. I realized that I compared myself often to those around me in this sense without even knowing myself. I realized that I need to know my appearance and body as intimately as I would study any masterpiece. It is all part of self-love and greater self-acceptance. How could I accept someone else's appreciation if I don't share it or even understand it for me? Time for a photo shoot and some time in front of the mirror verbally appreciating everything I love about me.

Die, die, die!

Little fly!

poetry and thoughts

My thoughts from my meditation today were on the subject of loss. Lately, I have had a lot of shifts in my circumstances: my car was totaled, my free internet at my apartment disappeared, and I began filing for bankruptcy about two weeks ago. Despite all this, I have been happier than I ever have been. I discovered instantly after I found out the car was totaled that the bus and trax easily get me to and from work the 3 days a week I work. I also discovered that I would be able to condense my teaching down to two days for the summer. I already own an awesome road bike to get me around town, and the opportunity to walk has led to so many beautiful experiences. In fact I don't even miss the car at all at this point! The internet disappearing has been a boon to my creativity. I discovered that the net is one of my favorite distractions and creative blocks. On the plus side, I get to spend time at a coffee shop every day doing my blog and working on any other projects for the cost of one decaf americano. As to the bankruptcy, all of my debt other than my student loans will be wiped out in one swoop, something that would have taken me years to probably do. Without the car being totaled and me being upside down in my loan, I wouldn't have even considered this option. These changes weren't easy when they first emerged, but I realized that each was a tremendous blessing in disguise. It made me think back. How many times did I fight change in my life when the change was probably the answer to what I was asking? I've been asking for more money, more freedom, more abundance. Not having a car has cut a huge amount of my expenses, I feel more free to just be and not as distracted. Even bankruptcy is a gateway to abundance, a shortcut. Without the extra alone time to reflect, I would not have gotten to the root of the issues around the money problems in the first place. Loss leads to transformation if we let it. I have discovered that time and time again to be true. We couldn't ask for the solution without the problem. The solution often leaves our lives more enriched than before. My life has been a series of losses and then transformations. I think that is the fun of life. If we stopped expanding and growing, we might as well just die and get it over with.

Now poetry time...

Inside I feel a pull

Leading somewhere new.

It's tugging at my heart

Yanking me away from you.

We said this day might come

It came sooner than we thought

Our love turned stale and sour

Despite how hard we fought.

Answer me this mystery

How can it be there then gone?

One minute you're my world

The next I'm indifferent and numb.

Perhaps the war we waged

Sped romance's demise

If we had but relaxed

Surrendered away our lives.

One thing I know for sure

To stay would be suicide

And so I say goodbye

Give you back your life.

Tests of enlightenment

Well, today brought me that test of how "enlightened" I really am. I've been meditating for about a week now. I mean, I should be there already right? Nirvana and whatnot... Ram Dass said: "If you think you're truly enlightened, go spend a weekend with your parents." In my case, the test of enlightenment came in the form of an evil (and might I add ugly) white Mercedes SUV intent on running me, poor innocent cycling me, down! Said evil driver honked at me as I was legally, yes legally, biking in the left lane on 300 South. Now, an enlightened person probably would not have flipped him off and shouted at him (which I did.) At that point the guy swerved around me and almost hit me. Almost immediately afterwards sanity kicked back in. Ok, after a few more choice words sanity kicked back in and I decided to just let it go. The point of my story is that I realized practicing non-violence includes words, gestures, criticism, gossip, etc. Sure, I may not be one to ever raise a fist against someone, but I do my share of verbal sparring and "gesturing" directed at irritating people. Then I really got to thinking... I don't know this guy or girl's story. (I didn't see who was driving the hulk of metal.) They may have been on the way to the hospital, they may be late for an important appointment, they may have thought I was in the wrong in this case, etc. I realized that I may have even provoked this person by flipping them off. In fact all I accomplished was to reinforce in this person's mind how right they were and how wrong I was. The creaky hamster wheel kept turning in my head... This person is creating their own reality. I'm creating mine. They couldn't have come into my reality if I were not in some way allowing it. Any of my friends can probably tell you I complain about the "bad" drivers in Utah and their blatant disregard for the safety of pedestrians and cyclists. Wow. I created this. So, what arose out of this for me is the desire to practice non-violence truly: gestures, words, self-directed criticisms, gossip, etc. Also, I realized that I need to take my power back and stop complaining about the drivers in Utah. My attention to the bad ones keeps the bad ones in my space! So, sigh.... I am still far from enlightened. Maybe next week? We'll see! Now for the poem!

I decided to keep it short and sweet for today...

Glassy green eyes cry,

And I hear an implicating sigh.

Meditation and Poetry

Well, here I sit at Two Creek Coffee shop in the avenues sipping on a Decaf Americano. My thought today comes in part from Buddha by way of Osho. "Love yourself then watch." I meditated on this both today and last night. I was intrigued to notice that without the self-love or self-acceptance side of the equation, meditation becomes incredibly uncomfortable. I found myself staring into a vast abyss where all I thought I was disappeared. With nothing to fill the space back up, my mind quickly jumped in to distract me or placate me. I no longer was meditating but lost in the chatter in my head: the stories, the dramas, the opinions, the judgements, etc. When I got back to the simple point of loving and accepting myself, the storm of my mind was miraculously calmed. It made me begin to wonder. Are we as a society so terrified of quiet and empty space because we are afraid of this void? The void is always there whether we acknowledge it or not. We all think if I have enough friends, if I get enough romantic/sexual attention, if I make enough money, if I can make myself enduring enough or big enough, then I will be content! What if we already are enough and we have just forgotten? I found this to be true for myself in meditating today. All of my anxieties and fears are based in the "I'm not enough" paradigm. When I allowed appreciation of me to seep in, I suddenly could just sit and be. It's only day 5 and already such amazing shifts! It will be exciting to see how the rest of this year plays out.

So for my poem today, I'm going to write a sonnet. I did always love reading Shakespearean sonnets. So, here goes...

I looked within to pierce the endless dark

But saw too late the error of my pride

For I had boasted "this is but a lark"

Not knowing yet the danger there inside.

I lost myself upon the raging seas

My ship near sank beneath titanic waves.

No compass, map can guide me to safety.

I'll drown a fool, no angel cares to save.

But a ray of grace shone down to light the way.

To free me from my self-inflicted plight.

A voice said let go and you'll win the day.

Storm clouds will part to make way for the light.

The tempest's ever but a thing you choose.

To win this war you first must learn to lose.

Thoughts and poem

So, meditation was interesting the past two days. What I realized is that all of my old "blocks" or comfort blankets are waiting just outside of my meditation to distract me. I am not yet centered but I am not the old me either. I feel like an awkward teenager all over again. It's funny how some meditations are so calm and easy while others seem filled with distraction and mental chatter. Nothing to do but keep going! I guess this is my insight for the day: to just sit with whatever shows up. Hmmm. I can even see how this would carry over to the rest of my life. Now the poem!

Grey skies move in

To dominate the light.

Numbness creeps in

And grounds my flight.

Where is the strength

That I thought I knew?

Where is the sureness

With which I moved.

Some days are peaks

In this parade called life

Others are valleys

Overshadowed by strife.

Insight and Poem of the day (and a challenge!)

Let's start with the challenge today! I'm doing this blog for my own creative growth, true. However, I also envision other people joining in meditation/prayer and daily creativity. Whether you are a painter, a writer, a singer, a sculptor, or anything else I invite you to join me! Meditate or pray for however long you can fit into your schedule and take on creating one thing a day. It could be one drawing, it could be that you play one song a day on the piano, it could be that you dance for 15 minutes a day. Whatever it is, do it! See what happens... I'd love to hear how it goes for you! Feel free to comment on my blog and let me know!

Now, the insight. I woke up today feeling something interesting. I felt like I was a vast empty desert inside. The feeling wasn't good or bad really. It just was. I was like I just am. Those are the closest words I can find to approximate the sensation. I wonder how much of what I thought was me was just background noise running in my head. Maybe this emptiness is closer to the truth? I don't know. All I know is that the world seems to be going slower today, the colors seem more sharp and real. Sounds seem to be clearer and more complex. I guess I will be with the emptiness today and see what happens.

And the poem... I feel like today is a haiku day. The world's shortest poem ever but capable of conveying such eloquent simplicity.

The air is balmy

Fragrant flowers entice me

This happiness, free.

Thought and another poem

Today as I meditated, I used a mantra: I know and love myself. What I realized is that up to this point I largely defined myself in terms of others: their perceptions of me, their opinions of me, the things they liked about me, the things they didn't like about me, etc. Meditation provides a space to set aside what we think we know about ourselves and go deeper. I am finding that who I am is so much bigger, richer, fuller than who I thought I was. Life before regular meditation seemed frustrating, hard, and complicated. Now, life seems much simpler. Action leads to action leads to action leads to inspiration leads to action... What was aimless wandering through the forest is fast becoming trailblazing. Now, poem time! Incidentally, my poem came to me during my 30 minute morning meditation.

Bee oh bee can you tell me why?

That you think you have the right to fly.

The scientists all agree you shouldn't

In terms of physics, we've shown you couldn't.

Yet there you go humming along

Obliviously singing your industrious song.

Perhaps you missed that important lecture

Perhaps you laugh at our endless conjecture.

Whatever the case you fly away

Maybe we can learn from you today

To set aside the opinions of others

To forget what we've learned from fathers and mothers.

The limits may just be in our view

If we could believe, maybe we'd fly like you.

Daily Thought and Poem

We'll start with the thought today. I think so many of us think in terms of either/or when it comes to reality. During my meditation today, I realized that I think of writers as ascetics or hermits that remove themselves from the world and only emerge to present their new masterpiece. I have avoided becoming a writer because subconsciously I thought it would mean giving up my social life. What a limiting reality! Why not be a writer and a social butterfly? I think so many times we limit what is possible for ourselves with either/or thinking. Ok, now for the poem.

Desire plagues me, goads me.

I'm overstimulated and stretched too thin.

The plethora of people and faces...

For a second I lose myself

For an instant the foundation shakes

Then a familiar anchor emerges.

Under translucent green leaves I find myself.

Grounded to the trunk that predates me,

Sheltered by a roof that will outlast me,

I find serenity in my center,

I am returned to who I am.

I can walk again in the world,

Assured of my niche as me.

365 Days of Silence and Poetry

365 Days of Silence and Poetry is a brainchild imagined up during my daily meditation. A little background is in order I think. I am David; I am an artist by every definition of the word. I am a singer, a poet, a songwriter, a performer, a painter, a dancer, an actor, and a writer. I firmly believe that each and every person on this planet is born an artist. Somewhere along the way as we grow into adults we lose this knowledge. Go ask a classroom full of 5 year olds how many are artists and you'll see almost every hand shoot up. Ask the same question of a room full of your co-workers and I bet you'll see one hand tops. So, why 365 days of silence and poetry? This blog is a space for me to explore and share a year of meditation and a year of poetry with any readers that are drawn to read my postings. Recently, I took on the practice of spending a half hour when I first wake up and a half hour before I go to bed meditating. I believe that meditation allows us to connect with our higher selves. Meditation (aka Silence) quiets the mental chatter that clutters up our heads on a daily basis and obscures the vision of our higher selves. I have experienced tremendous insights and ideas during my twice daily meditations. Now for the poetry... I will spend the next 365 days writing one poem a day. Up until recently similar to many of my fellow adults, I had forgotten that I was a born writer, I had forgotten that I was a born poet. Thanks to a great deal of help from many sources, I am now stepping back into myself as an artist. I can think of no better way to begin being a writer than to write a poem a day. Each poem will be posted on here, no matter how trite, inane, or brilliant they may be. I can make no guarantees other than that I will write a poem each day. As to the silence, I figure while I'm at it, I'll share an insight or a single thought from each day's meditations. So, my commitment to you my readers is that I will meditate for an hour a day for the next year to provide one thought each day and also write one poem a day to be posted on this blog. I am open to any and all comments and discussion. Now, why am I doing this you may ask? Well... I am by vocation a professional vocal instructor, and by heart an artistic renaissance man. I envision a world where every child is brought up as an artist and creator, where creativity is not only encouraged but revered as a divine expression of who we all are deep inside. I believe unequivocally that all of us despite a vast variety of choices in lifestyle, religion, philosophy, etc are human beings first and foremost with an underlying sameness and connectedness. I hope that others reading my blog will be inspired to re-explore themselves as artists and creators in whatever media entices them. I hope that my insights may help others unblock creatively and own the title of artist and creator. So, a digital toast to art in all forms and to the coming poetry and insights ahead! - David Desormeaux (aka David Drockton)

* On a side note, I've always been fascinated by pen names. Desormeaux is an ancestral name from my Great-Grandmothers family who immigrated to Acadia from France centuries ago. It means of the elms in French and I've always thought it exceptionally beautiful.