Gratitude

I feel like today is a day for gratitude. I had a powerful realization today about a pattern I wasn't looking at. I want to voice my gratitude to all the ones that helped me to learn this. It has shifted my entire outlook on life. I thought of myself as one that didn't hold onto things, but I realized today that I was wrong in one sense. I realized that I have held onto failed romances for a long long time. I didn't do it in an obvious or pronounced way, but I still did it. How can something new come into my life if I'm already occupied with the past? I began to wonder... How many times have I been out with someone and talked about someone from the past? How many times have I compared the person I was with to the old flame? I wouldn't want to be on the other side of the table at such a date. Really, I was never able to be present with who I was with at any given point because my mind was already subtly elsewhere. How sad is that! Well, today was the day I gave that up. I realized how insane and damaging it is to focus on the what ifs and the failed romances. I also realized that it was a little crazy to sit there and play out such a scenario as if I had been with this person. I assumed all sorts of things about them and about how it would be with them. In reality? I had no idea because it never happened. Einstein said: "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." This is exactly what was going on in my head. It was like a never ending loop. A one track CD on endless repeat. Thank God I control the mix and can finally put something new on to play instead. That is the beauty of life! I realized too that non-attachment also means not getting attached to outcomes and not building my lovely castles in the sky. Plain and simple, when I meet someone, I know little about them and little about where things are going. If I can just stay comfortable in the not knowing, I think things will unfold as they should in a perfect way. That may mean love, and it may mean just a fleeting experience with something learned and gained. The only way to really know is just go with it and find out!

Not knowing kills me.
I want to open that damned flower!
I can't wait anymore.
I feel like a child the night of his birthday.
I know some amazing gift is coming my way
But... I just don't have the patience to wait.
I want to peek underneath the lid!
Just one glance please!
Let me shake the box!
But my mom says no, no, no.
She smiles that elusive, secretive smile.
"You'll find out tomorrow dear."
Ugh! I want tomorrow now.
I want the manifestation without the journey.
I want the reward without the work.
It's childish, but I'm a child dammit.
I didn't sign up for all this waiting.
I've almost forgotten what I was waiting for.
Psh. I'll cheat the universe and see for myself.
Once I know what to expect, then I can wait and be content.
Can't you just for once let me make the rules?
After all, it's my life.