The now...

I realized again today for the millionth time that I am exactly where I need to be. I sat at an open mic remembering that this is where I'm meant to be artistically. The longer I focus on what hasn't happened, the longer I keep it away. All will unfold as I align with it. It is universal law. I also have to say that I've witnessed the power of visualization. It is magical indeed! I can't believe what is beginning to unfold in 3 short weeks! I get now that we must spend enough time each day deliberately recreating our lives in order to bring something new into our experience. That's just how it is. I feel so lucky to be so young and to have gotten this! It is beyond exciting! I also have to say that I have felt my love that is coming. Beyond magnificent! Ahh. Life is so good!

Now
Now
Now Now NOW NOW!
It screams reminding me.
That voice inside my head.
All i got is now.
Might as well make the best of it.

Eye of the storm

I've noticed today that stress and anxiety can't be helped sometimes. No one ever promised that life would be all easy. I guess I should be grateful for anxiety and stress. They show me the path to even greater well-being. I have to say too, that sometimes the stress and work involved with expanding are so worth it. Thank God for time to unwind and settle back down! My meditation practice has been so helpful to me in this regard. I really actually don't have much else to say tonight strangely enough. Huh. Well, perhaps a one word poem.

Infinitesimal

Stars and trees

I sat tonight meditating beneath the stars and the trees and I remembered. I remembered my connection to everything that is. I remembered that I truly am God and that God is in everything around me. It was such a beautiful feeling of peace and grace. I realized that I truly am a unique piece of the whole and for that alone deserved to be cherished by myself and others. Everyone on this planet deserves to be cherished and loved. We must find that part of ourselves to manifest it in our lives. Such love and well-being are always available to each of us. I love the fact that meditation helps me to access that! It's such a beautiful thing! Well, I think that about says what was on my mind this evening after my meditation.

Pure trees
And a gentle breeze.
Does it get better than this?

Carpe Diem

The pendulum swings to the opposite direction yet again! I realized today that life is partially about seizing opportunities when they show up. The trick is to be able to act without attachment to the outcome. I needed to practice listening better, and now I see that my past reckless action tempered with listening will yield a healthy middle medium. I need to allow but I also need to be willing to choose too. I need to voice my preference and decide in order for the universe to line it up. I can't sit back and say I'll just take whatever. It would seem that my ability to act and assert my preference wasn't totally a bad thing. I like that there is a new healthy medium. It's not a good idea to throw oneself at people; however, playing it safe is just another imbalance. I definitely feel that I've been playing it safe the past little while. I'm ready to play full out again and risk whatever may come. I'm willing to accept that sometimes it will go my way, sometimes it will not. I'm also willing to not be reckless. I'm willing to listen to my intuition as it speaks to me! Bring it on universe! I'm ready! Poem time!

I'd rather die having fun and taking a risk.
Who wants to die in bed anyway?
The world isn't scary. It just is.
The excitement and adventure are out there.
It's my job to sift through and figure what I want
Then I'll follow the beat of that drum wherever it may lead.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone...

A weird thought to be having first thing in the morning but there it is. I was sitting on the bus on my way to teach and this bubbled into my head as I watched a transgendered person get off the bus. I'm not saying that I looked at this person as a sinner, rather I had a sudden insight into perhaps what Jesus meant by this. I drew it back to the Abraham Hicks teachings. I believe what Jesus meant in this case as he confronted the men about to stone an adulteress was that we shouldn't push against the unwanted or undesirable. I begun thinking about the whole gay rights movement and the other side of the argument. Jesus' advice is even more pertinent today. Me personally? I think people should be self-expressed, whatever that means. I thought how many in this conservative state would be upset by the idea of a transgendered person. Like the stone wielding mob, they desire to "kill" (metaphorically speaking) anything that doesn't fit into their concept of "right" and "wrong." We all do it to a certain extent! I find myself making others wrong and judging all the time. Granted, I haven't been heating up my tar and feathers, but still in my head I make these little judgements and criticisms. I think Jesus was trying to remind us to see the humanity in everyone around us rather than our differences. We all are human. We all make "mistakes." (I use quotes because I don't really know if there is such a thing as a mistake anyways. There are things we do and things we don't do.) If we all stopped pushing so hard against the things we didn't want and allowed the world to be the varied and diverse place it is, perhaps the world would at last know peace. It's an interesting thought, no?

Let me be me.
I'll let you be you.
There's really nothing else I can do.
Pushing against you only makes me weak.
And I need all my strength to live my own life.
What if the world just was?
What if life didn't need to be a certain way?
What if I were more concerned with being me than being right?
I suppose I could give up being good too.
Who decided what good even is?
Obviously they never walked in my shoes.
Not even one step.
So, I'll let others duke it out.
I can smile and relax in the fact that I am me.
They are them.
They are the way they are because they are the way they are.
I am the way I am because I am the way I am.
None of us could be otherwise or we wouldn't be who we are.
Time to turn that verbal sword into a plowshare.

Life is like this...

Yesterday and today, I felt a bit sluggish. I guess life wasn't set up so that I can always be at my zenith. I think I would burn out otherwise! I need the down times, and times of frustration to clarify what I'm wanting. I'm human after all. That means being petty from time to time, it means being angry, sad, frustrated. I guess these emotions are part of the cosmic dance we call life. That being said, I'm grateful for meditation. I woke up with some serious anxiety this morning, and just breathing helped me to calm down sooooo much! I'm grateful for that. Life is ever mysterious and beautiful I think...

I’ll trade the verdant breeze

For a constant hack and wheeze.

I’ll give away the meadows

For a world of concrete shadows.

But what’s more I give up being whole

To be separate and alone.
My fathers fathers long gone to dust

Weren’t bound by life and rules like us.

Somehow they wandered far and free

Unweighted by care or their humanity.
We’ve learned so much yet know far less.

Lost the secrets our ancestors possessed.
Return me to the forest
Return me to the trees
Give me back the blossoms
FIlled with buzzing bees
Take me from this nightmare
Of industrial society.
Yield me to the mountain
And the quiet, open plains.

The Power of Visualization

I discovered recently that I was going to add visualization to my meditations. I just have to say that the effect has been amazing. I literally had five phone calls today about voice lessons. I also realized looking in the mirror that my body is starting to move in the direction I want it to go. I credit all of this to visualization. I have been visualizing each day sometimes twice a day a full teaching schedule and my body as I would like it to look. I cannot believe how quick this is working! I only have been doing it for about a week. I think that the desires have become real and vivid in my thoughts which has allowed my chronic thought pattern to shift. I have been getting all of this without pain or work. It's truly exciting that visualizing can be so powerful! It will be interesting to see what else manifests. These things are indicators on the path to all that I'm wanting. It will be interesting to see the long term effect. I also have noticed that my money seems to be going much farther. I also keep manifesting discounts and other flukes or refunds. I think for me, visualizing was the trick all along. I can't wait for my lover to show up!! Or my band for that matter. I have Emily on guitar. We still need a drummer, bass player, and keyboard player. It will be cool to see the right people show up to be part of it! Ok, poem time methinks!

Green glimmering eyes glitter
Beneath blackest hair.
They spark and blaze with fire.
I can feel the heat of his ire.
Witty words wound his friends
But I better understand his bitterness.
He seeks to shield his pain
But he hides it from me in vain.
I can see his warm, tender heart.

Thoughts of Gratitude

I am so grateful for my life. I grateful for all the love that surrounds me. I'm grateful for the beauty, the grace, the elegance of this reality and world. I see my life today as a beautiful gift and precious opportunity to grow and expand. Tonight, I feel overwhelmed by love. I wish I could sit down with every person in the world and give them a tiny piece of what I'm feeling. I see that when I am truly lit up from within that I must shine outwards and my love must radiate outwards to touch others. A man that is not whole in and of himself gives less than a pauper. A man/woman that loves himself/herself is free to share love infinitely with others. There is truly no limitation to this love. I see that giving only adds to what I already have. I truly revel in my life. It is good to be alive. I see now that when I truly am in my vortex of bliss, well-being, and joy, nothing can affect me that is outside of that vibrational frequency. I have to be selfish enough to put my happiness first to get to this point. I can't give to anyone truly if I am unable to give to myself. I see that the concerns and ideas of others are irrelevant to my experience as are my ideas and opinions to theirs. That is so beautiful! Life is so beautiful!

I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I am in you.
You are in me.

Harmony and balance

I was thinking a lot the past little while about harmony with the environment around us. I think all of us (me included) fear so much of our immediate surroundings that we make ourselves sick with anxiety and worry. Literally sick. I find that when I spend time out in nature at the very least twice a week, I am happier and more calm. I wonder if all of the stress in our culture doesn't have to do with our disconnecting from nature. We use artificial lights to stay up late into the night, we override our circadian rhythms and rush around during the formerly restful winter months, and we bombard our bodies with all sorts of unnatural additives, chemicals, and drugs. Maybe our lives would seem simpler if we all spent a little time reconnecting to nature. It's a thought really. I've been working on this myself. Something else I realized reflecting yesterday is that I would love to take a monthly retreat somewhere away from the stresses of my day to day living. I think camping once a month would be incredible. Maybe even an all day hike through nature? I don't know. Meditation has really been showing me how important it is for me to take that quiet down time to rejuvenate. I'm glad I took a personal day yesterday. I think from now on, I will use Sundays as my reflection and solitude days. I will definitely make next Sunday a little more restful. The phone for sure needs to go off. Now for my poem! I actually wrote this around 1 am this morning. Enjoy!


Lament of the Forest

Weep my child for the mysteries your brothers fail to see
Wail my dear for the majesty of what I used to be.
Your homes and cars have choked my air
Expansion destroys my wonders fair.
Birdsong has been replaced by a thousand screaming horns.
Crisp, clear dawns have changed instead to toxic, smoggy morns.
I would show you the way to happiness, I would give to you relief
But instead you continue your destructive ways mired in false belief.
Who among you can design a marvel like a tree?
Your most intricate plans pale beside it’s natural intricacy.
Can your perfumes and colognes compete with all my flowers?
You choose to scramble and pine away your precious living hours.
I weep with clouds and thunderbolts the mess you all have made.
I pray with all my bows upraised the world can still be saved.
A return to balance is the key but which of you will see?
More important still is who will be the one to save a tree?

Listening

I sat today and pondered what it is to listen. I realized that I have been terrified of the idea of listening because I'm in some ways scared of what I may hear. I have feared listening truly to others because I might get lost in them. I have feared listening to myself because I thought I might hear the truth of my ugliness in the listening. I want to try experimenting this week with listening. I sit and wonder if my past loneliness and inability to manifest romance perhaps boils down to this fundamental avoidance of intimacy. Listening is how we become intimate with ourselves. Once we are intimate with ourselves, we are able to be so with others. I vow to cultivate intimacy with myself and others. I vow to listen more intently and to be with others truly. When I'm not listening, I'm obliviously avoiding something with someone. This was an interesting day. Also, this was my first Sunday of solitude. I did meet with one person and sent one text message today, but mostly I've been alone. I've enjoyed the time. I feel renewed and refreshed. I think that a day of solitude to visualize, meditate, and contemplate is going to be an amazing practice for me. Perhaps it will add to my ability to listen.

Listen to the whispering trees
And hear the humming bees.
Wander among the wooded glades
Untouched by plow or spade
The solitude will fill your cup
The quieting down will raise you up.
To your true divinity.

The wheels on the bus go round and round...

Sitting on the bus, a new project idea came to me. I’m going to start another blog today. I’m going to call it love letters. I realized last night that when it comes to love, I must make this real to me in my gut, in my heart, in my very soul. I must be able to feel the lover I have not yet manifested already in my life. What better way to do this than love letters? I think what will work best is to write one to my lover one day and write one back the next. I will do this project until my lover shows up. At which point, obviously, the letters will start going to him instead. Mmmm. Technically, it could be to her. Haha. The other interesting thing is that I found myself holding my vibrational space in a conversation last night about money. I didn’t even realize it at the time, but it struck me later. This is a big change. I think my vibration is starting to crystallize and be focused like a lazer on what I want. I was discussing buying a home in the avenues and making a 2700 dollar a month house payment on a 15 year loan. The guy I was talking to was like “That’s a lot. You’d need to be making 60 to 70k a year.” I responded “Oh, I only need 20 more students to be doing that. It’s not a big deal.” I literally felt that. That’s a sign that my little vibrational and visual exercises are working. In the past said conversation would have throw me for a loop. Now? I just know what I’m creating and I’m content to leave everyone else and everyone else’s opinions out of the equation. That feels pretty damn good I have to say! The other interesting insight that came through for me last night was that I need to learn to be as solid in my confidence and power when I’m among people as I am alone. This is doable. Being alone and meditating is easier. I’ll use that quote again, “If you think you’re enlightened, spend a weekend with your parents.” In my case spend a night with your peers. I think it will happen organically. Partially, I’m learning certain environments are best avoided on my part. They are environments where people come together in their mutual insecurity and sense of lack. I can’t go into an environment like that and not feel my vibration shift. Hmmm. Now poem time! I think something romantic is in order today.

The touch of your hand

Upon my cheek
The brush of your lips
It makes me weak.
A kiss on the hand
Enflames my soul
When you brush back my hair
I lose control.
My love cannot languish
On the wine.
I’d rather give in
And drink this wine.
Intoxicated
Drunken on you

Exhilirated

And made anew.

How do you do it?

Take me so high.
Maybe I’ll forget
Stop questioning why.

This love just is
And that’s enough.
Thank you for you
My beloved.

Morning insight

I found myself turning my thoughts toward things that irritate me in my meditation this morning. This is really par for the human course. We love to devote our attention to the uncontrollable. Silly, but it's what we do. I find so often that when I'm in this state of panic, anxiety, or frustration that the solution dangles just out of reach. It's amazing that when I can let go of upset that the solution emerges almost instantly. I guess it all comes back to allowing and letting go of control. This is the contrasting adventure we call life. I think this may be my shortest blog entry yet! Haha. Well, it is what it needs to be.

Today's

The day

I choose to be ok.

Receiving versus asserting

I had an interesting insight bubble up today as I was meditating and whatnot. I realized that I have a tendency to assert myself or rather try to make things happen in life. What would life be like if I just allowed? Hopping off the hamster wheel may seem a little premature at this point, but I began to think deeply about this. How often do I pursue those not interested in so many ways: romance, my music, life, friends, etc. What if I allowed those who are a match to be drawn into my experience rather than trying to rope them in? What if I trusted that the universe will deliver all cooperative components necessary to make my dreams into reality? This is truly the art of allowing. I realized that it isn't about getting my name out there in any way shape or form. If someone isn't interested, no amount of marketing is going to make it otherwise. It's really about being passionate in whatever I undertake. That joy and passion will draw others in. Wow. It really can be that simple. I think this will definitely make my life a lot easier. As I was doing the artist's way, it was presented this way. An artist simply creates without consideration of any potential audience. Hmmm... This gives me a lot to mull over tonight!

Shaded by night

Under stars light

We lay entwined

Drunken on wine.

Lover return

The bridge's not yet burned

Rekindle the fire

Enflame my desire.

Reviens

Come again.

Imagination

Life is shifting at the speed of light it would seem. I realized that my dreams will come as quickly as I can viscerally feel them. I wonder if this is not where we all get stuck. It's that french proverb: "The more things change, the more they stay the same." I have found that we are action addicts. We all think we can just work our life out to be the way we want it to be. I don't know about you, but I find this method fatiguing. I don't believe I should have to "work hard" at all. I think there is work, but it is the work of altering my perspective on it. It is the work of shifting my point of view to match what I am wanting. Isn't it interesting that the same actors and actresses get cast over and over again? Why is that? It's not because they are necessarily the best looking, the most talented, etc. They simply expect to succeed and because of that expectation are very appealing to any studio because that studio wants their project to succeed. I know I'm beating a dead horse on this subject, but I have to say... I really just got this in a big way. It was life altering I think. We shall see how things develop from here!

Flowers bloom

Populations boom.

Well-being flows

And happiness grows

I'd rather think bliss

And ignore what is.

Because I can only see so little anyways.

Sitting in my comfy bed..

I feel drawn to share a major insight I had last night. I realized that the missing component of my meditation is visualization. This insight was triggered as I was listening to an Abraham Hicks clip on youtube. If you're not familiar with the Abraham Hicks work, I highly recommend checking it out. I got to thinking about my life and the shifts I would like to see, the dreams I would like to actualize. I realized that I need to be able to literally feel what it is like before it can happen! This was a tremendous breakthrough for me. I've struggled at times knowing how I want to use my meditation time. This answer seemed perfect. I believe we all continue to manifest more of the same for ourselves because we don't know how to conceptualize anything outside of our experience. For example, I realized I would love a life where I had 25000 dollars flowing into my bank account each month. This is literally outside of my frame of reference. I've never made that much money in a month. Maybe a year, but not a month. This is why things don't shift faster for us! We don't turn our attention or in this case imagination to what we want! I decided today to start playing a simple game. I will deposit 900 vibrational dollars in my bank account each day, and spend that money! It will be really fun and get me in the habit of "allowing" 25000 dollars a month into my experience. I realized we can do this with all of what we want. I sat meditating this morning and visualize what having a lover who loved me as much as I loved them would feel like. I pictured my ideal body and reveled in what that felt like! I pictured taking all my friends to an expensive meal and picking up the tab. I don't think it will take long for my life to profoundly shift. Up until now, I just haven't been imagining and playing enough with what my dreams actualized would feel like. This is really an exciting breakthrough for me! Yay!

Me

You

Us

Them

Conflict

Polarity

Separateness

Wrong

Connectedness

Moving on...

So, a friendship that was codependent was ended on my end. I was part of the problem. Actually, probably 100% responsible for the codependency on my end. I allowed it to be that way. I decided today that I'm ready to look forward. I used these events as a focal point for the last week or so to gain clarity. Now, I'm just ready to go with the expansion and leave the rest. The expansion results in me having healthy boundaries with people. It results in the possibility of love coming into my life. For whatever reason, this person was part of what I was using to block that from coming in. They were trying and I was allowing them to fill that space in my life. I cannot express enough gratitude for the intense contrast of this experience. This person helped me to identify healthy boundaries for myself and showed me that I really could own and maintain them with others. I feel nothing but joy when I contemplate what came out of this interaction. If I could draw boundaries in this challenging situation, I can draw them anywhere! How amazing is that? Something else that occurred to me today was the way we all try to control the uncontrollable. That was something else I learned out of this experience. Said person sent a barrage of emails to me and another friend. I chose to feel irritation at these emails. I was half tempted to respond and get back into the drama. What I realized is that I always have the option to ignore the undesirable and uncontrollable and turn my focus elsewhere. In this case, responding wouldn't have served me or the other. So, I didn't read most of the emails and just deleted them instead. Powerful indeed. When we let go of our need to control or "argue" with what is, we have the ability to shift our lives quickly and powerfully. So, all of that being expressed, I declare this chapter closed and finished in my life. Thank you for the clarity (you know who you are.) Thank you for showing me areas I wasn't seeing. Thank you for being in my life, and now I bless and release you. Now, poetry time!!! I'm feeling less lazy today so something a bit more fleshed out I think will be in order.

Oh beautiful day

Carry me away

On the cloud of perfume

That fills up my room.

The flowers are lovely

The sun shining above me.

I'll slow down today

Give my worries away.

Well-being is flowing

There's nothing I'm owing

To prove my worth

My value on Earth.

I was born deserving

Of joy never ending.

Thank you for my life.

Thank you for the strife.

For all contrast aids me

To create my identity.

Preferences are chosen

And my world keeps growing.

So it is till I croke

I can say death is a joke

I'm eternal it's true

Offers this unconventional view.

Thank you.

Musings...

Today I took a step back and thought a bit about where I am headed and what I want. I then thought about where I am. I realized how much I have to be grateful for. I'm literally living in the apartment of my dreams, I have an amazing career, I'm creatively active again, I have the love of so many amazing friends whom I love in return, I'm young and the world is big and full of expansion and adventure, and I'm happy most of the time. That is nothing to sneeze at. I've learned some difficult lessons lately and moved on into the new, expanded version of myself. I'm feeling a bit lazy today to be honest though, so I'll leave it at that. As for the poem.....

Cellar door.

Effort versus Ease in Life...

There is this idea out there in the world that we must work hard for anything we want. No pain no gain. Overcome, conquer. Yada yada yada. I'm finding more and more that I just don't buy it. It's not that there won't be work, but when the work is out of love and alignment, it just doesn't feel hard. I've lately discovered this with my songwriting. I've written some of my best material in a matter of 30 minutes. I literally feel buzzed on energy when I'm writing from that place of alignment. The melodies, the lyrics, the rhythm... they all just flow through me like a river through it's stream bed. I've also noticed this same phenomenon when performing. I spend hours rehearsing each week, but I don't even notice. I'll sit down at the piano and start singing and literally two hours will zoom by in what feels like 10 minutes. I've begun thinking of this in terms of making a career out of my music. Do I really need to "struggle" and "work" to get myself out there? Do I need to prove my talent and worth? Nope. I just need to show up and do what I do. The right openings will come and out of my alignment, I'll walk through the doors that lead to success. I'm feeling that it will come in a series of "lucky" breaks. I know that I want a major record deal and that I want a band. I know that the right band members will already show up. I think I've already found one. The label deal will show up too. This isn't to say that I haven't been in action. The action just happens though. It's not work. That's the distinction. I think it would be hard to see the difference between this and plain "laziness" if you hadn't experienced it for yourself. But anyways...

I suffered for love and asked why

Love shouldn't be suffering.

Love is a joy, a choice.

I've sat in silence for friendship

I've bitten my tongue, but now see

Friendship that can't bear truth isn't friendship at all.

I thought myself strong and independent.

Free as the wind, but one tie makes me bound

I am a codependent period if I am codependent with even one.

I would strive for wholeness from inside out.

I would be un-needing of others so that I can freely choose them.

I would be my own source of joy and life

Only then can I share myself with another.

I see now that twisted love will quash real love's shoots

The needy, grasping vines will choke any healthy growth.

Though I am most fond of this weed, it must be pulled

For the sake of rare true love's exquisite bloom.

I have labored long to weed and prune the garden of my heart and soul

Now perhaps at last I may contemplate in the 11th hour

The harvest coming from my labors.

I am my own life's work.

Hmmmmmm.....

Well, I sit here at exactly noon on a Friday morning feeling a little off. I just took the hardest stand I have ever taken for myself last night. I've said this before, but it's easy to be you when everyone is giving you a standing ovation. It's much harder and revealing of your mettle if you can be you under the disapproval and anger of those around you. Last night was what I would consider a big test. How much do I value myself? No, really. How much does David value David? What are David's wants, desires, feelings, and preferences worth? I finally showed myself once and for all last night that I am the most important person to me in my life. This is never an easy stand to take especially when we send someone else flying off the handle by asserting this. I was involved in a friendship gone toxic. I had become that friend you all know with the awful ex that they keep getting back together with except in my case the relationship was platonic. I've known now for several weeks that this friendship needed to shift or end. The work I've been doing with meditation, journaling, and self-care showed me that. I just didn't want to see it. After all, this friendship was a crutch and distraction I knew so well. In many ways I do still love and care about this person. The issue was that it was at my expense. This friendship increasingly got in the way of my life. More and more this person needed validation and support. It was getting to be something of a part-time job. I was being pulled away from things I needed to be doing: my music, my writing, my self-care, my yoga. I should say I chose to be pulled away. I take responsibility for creating and staying in this toxic friendship, but I feel like I made the right choice. I'm not going to engage or respond because this needed to be a clean break for both of our sakes. I finally understand what lovers go through or what other friends have gone through when ending such a friendship or love relationship. It's damn hard, and we really just don't want to see what's right in front of our noses. I just thank heavens that I had the presence and willpower to end it. In some ways I feel like a survivor today. It's a sobering fact that no matter how together I think I am, there is still something like this lurking in my life that I'm not wanting to look at. I think today is going to be dedicated to introspection and reflection.

Alone and at peace.

I seek release.

Quiet of mind

Not knowing what I'll find.

But sure the journey's worth it.

Change at a cost...

We all say that we want change in so many ways. We want better health, more wealth, better friends, a lover, or maybe a better lover than the one we have. I wonder how often we shoot ourselves in the foot by refusing to give up what is standing in the way of this happening. Perhaps in order to fully stand alone in my power, that means surrendering any friendships that are codependent. Perhaps to meet the lover of my dreams, I need to give up my ideas of what that is going to look like. Perhaps to become a successful musician/singer/songwriter, I need to give up the unhealthy habits that sabotage my art. This isn't always easy. Often what is stopping us will be cleverly disguised like a wolf in sheep's clothing. It could be that friend we love so well, but also constantly has drama and takes away our focus from our own lives and dreams. It could be that mentor or teacher that gives praise but also cuts us to the bone with unduly harsh criticism. It is much more comfortable to maintain the status quo so to speak. At least I know what to expect in this situation. Besides, I get so much mileage out of complaining about it rather than getting off my butt and doing something about it! I'm grateful that sometimes life gets to the point that I feel forced to shift. Occasionally we all need that big whap upside the head to get us back into reality and out of our rose tinted dream worlds. I'm so grateful for these difficult lessons because I know they contribute wildly to my expansion. It's a good feeling indeed. Now for a poem....

Love, I'd surrender.

I'd meld with you.

But a part would remain alone.

My darling, I'd sink

Into the depths of your passion

But still I'd remain separate.

We are two become one, yes.

But still we're alone first.

Rather than trying to fight

Rather than trying to deny

Let's accept the paradox as simply so.

A case for selfishness?

I am in the process of doing an amazing self-led course that teaches one to love oneself more. I found it interesting reading about selfishness today. I had the realization that I tend to be someone that puts the needs and wants of others before my own. It's interesting. I think it's why I get to a boiling point with people sometimes. If I had just said what was on my mind to begin with, I wouldn't feel put out or irritated. I also had the realization that I tend towards unhealthy dynamics from time to time in friendships. I actually can see that one friendship in particular has become a bit entangled and codependent. I've learned that my part in this has been just going with it. I'm responsible for not speaking up before hand even though it may have hurt feelings or even angered this person. So, I feel like I want to make a commitment today to make this new mode of being more real for me. I commit to speaking my truth even in the face of disapproval, hurt, and anger. I commit to honoring my own boundaries with others. I realize that it's not their job to know them, it's my job to articulate them. I commit to putting my needs, wants, and desires before those of others. I commit to maintaining healthy boundaries and honoring the boundaries of others after my own. I commit to authenticity in my interactions with others. I commit to loving myself and exploring being alone. I commit to reveling in being alone. Also, I commit to communicating what's been on my mind to the friend whom I've not been 100% straight with. I know that when these things are voiced, it may end the friendship. I'm prepared for that. If being in integrity and honoring myself results in her being hurt or upset, there is nothing I can do to control that. Really, the case for selfishness can be made on the fact that we can't control how others are anyways. We might as well just focus on ourselves!

I want to rip into you,

Tear you apart.

But I'd only be killing a mirage.

My idea of you isn't you.

Nor your idea of me.

Violence of words serves no point.

I can just let you be what you are.

I can let go of the need to control.

Time to stay to my side of the street.

Love and Romance

Today I had an interesting thought come up about romance and love. I think we have some interesting extremes at play in our society at the moment. On the one hand you have people preaching monogamy and commitment, on the other you have people absolutely opposed to commitment. I wonder about this sometimes. Love is such a personal thing. It's experiential. It's not something that can be recreated in words. Who's to say love has the limitations or requirements we put on it? Love could just BE. This got me thinking about how over-sexualized our culture is on the one hand and on the other so against sex. It's a war of images and philosophies. I find it interesting that our marketing, advertising, and film are filled with sexual images while at the same time we push so hard against "immorality." The same people preaching watch TV. For me there has to be a solution that is both personal and transcends this conflict. I can say the crazy non-committed life is not for me, but yet I can also say I don't know if I ever would want to be married either. Reading Osho's book about love really shifted some things for me. He talks about love only existing till it doesn't anymore. You can never know when love will simply not be there anymore. Interesting no? I think for me I would love with abandon and without limits while I love. I would love without rules, borders, or limits. I would love like a stranger to the ways of the world. I would love in David's own way.

If I'm not living in my body and temple

Then I'm not fully alive.

I can choose to judge it, to criticize.

Or perhaps praise and encouragement are best.

I can choose to follow the crowd and adopt their tastes.

Or could I blaze my own path through the forest?

Is it wrong to see the perfection in my imperfection?

I think not. Thoughts are fleeting so why not choose those that feel best.

Honoring ourselves...

My thought today has to do with honoring ourselves. It's easy when the crowds are cheering, when are friends are congratulating us, or when we're honoring others by doing so. It's much harder when we upset those close to us, when we earn condemnation instead of respect, or when we go against our instincts to please others. Selfishness is hard! It's hard to stand up and voice our needs. Everyone thinks that selflessness is easy, but it's the cheap cheaters way out. It's easy to go through life appeasing people, telling them what they want to hear, and not speaking your truth. It's easy to go along with what others want. There is so much delicious distraction in immersing ourselves in the needs and wants of others. So much opportunity for martyrdom and blockage. We love drowning ourselves in others because it takes all responsibility off of ourselves. What if all our emotions, needs and wants, and even thoughts were all our responsibility. It's powerful but scary. It means taking responsibility for me. It means standing up for my needs, desires, and wants first. It means stepping on others' toes from time to time. After all, what I want may be in conflict with what they want. But.... It's not my job to be what they want me to be. I am responsible only for me. They are responsible for them. People will try and test this. They will subtly and cleverly try to subvert our will to what they want. We all are guilty of this to some point. We want others to change to make us feel better, we want circumstances and our surroundings to shift to give us relief. It is our job to find the relief and to change our view of others to shift how we feel. Tact is easy, backing down is easy, owning your power and truth is the true challenge in life. Poetry.

I am

That is all.

Nothing more,

Nothing less.

Is it true?

Today I came to the realization that I need to start reexamining everything I "know" about myself and others. Is it true really? Oh, I may have gathered evidence, and I may have people on my side. Still, the question remains... Is it true? Really, is it true? If someone is irritating you, if someone is angering you, if you have a negative belief about yourself... Is it really true? I realized that sometimes we all fight reality and tell stories. We fight how people are and project how we think they should be. This goes on all the time for all of us. I was reading a small booklet from a brilliant writer named Byron Katie, and I realized that today I chose to go into something that was "true" that made me unhappy. From an Abraham Hicks perspective, a belief is only a thought you keep thinking. It's only true because we give our attention to it. I realized that I can choose to ignore people if I find them irritating in a certain moment. I can choose to leave a situation that doesn't feel good. I can even choose to stay in the situation and change how I'm viewing it. So fascinating! I could choose to love and accept my body. My perfectionism is the only thing stopping me from doing that. Is my deep down fear that I have an ugly body true? I have had other people that have literally seen my entire body from head to toe say otherwise. So what's true? Neither! That's the answer. Now, if I want to exercise, build more muscle, I can. I wonder how much of the energy I spent trying to hide my insecurities and fears could have been better spent in a yoga class, or doing pilates. It's utterly fascinating! I've been pushing so hard against what is. Byron Katie says instead accept what is and then decide what to do about it or how to shift it. Such a small leap but utterly brilliant. Here's another one: it will be challenging for me to find love. Is that true? Have I never loved before? I am loved right now. So I know it's not true! I could just as easily believe that love is easy to find. Romantic love will flow to me easily. I really am excited to delve deeper into Byron Katie's work. I really enjoy it! I think it will help me dissolve some of my most self-defeating thought patterns or at least become aware of them so I can shift them. Now for a poem! Something whimsical and fun tonight I think!

Child of the stars

Wandering afar

In this heavy world

From the heavens hurled.

You long to be free

Blown upon the breeze.

But care weighs you down

Turns your smile to a frown

How can you be lively

When the world's so heavy?

Before you shined in the sky

Always free to soar and fly.

But here you feel misunderstood

Unsure of what way would be good

I'll tell you child to shine despite

And fill the world with radiant light

No matter the choice, just glow

And you'll find your bliss here below.

Meet me in outer space...

So, last night was a night of realizations. I went to Pure for pride weekend. It was an interesting mix of people. This time though I decided to sit back and observe. I just watched. I turned my night at the club into a meditation. What I saw was myself in the past. I saw the quiet desperation poorly concealed under a facade of bravado. I saw my intense desire to find "something." As my wonderful Abraham friend would say: "You've been looking for love in all the wrong places friend." Now, not that a club is a wrong place per se, it's just that any place is the wrong place without self-love. I took a step back and looked at me. I realized that there is so much to love. I realized that in a way I've been hiding my light under a bushel. It's time for me to shine. I also realized that I can leave behind the need to make anything happen. It was nice to let go of that! I didn't really get approached by anyone, but I didn't see anyone that actually would fit. I think I had been so blinded by the light and smoke and mirrors of glamour that I couldn't see what was right for me! Beauty is all well and good, but it is about as lasting as the morning dew. When the intense light of the sun shines on it, it fades away like a puff of smoke on the breeze. Any love needs to be built on something more lasting than just attraction. I see now how wrong so many of the options I pursued in the past were for me! It's almost as if I subconsciously pursued all the wrong ones on purpose. No more! I did see several nice "shiny" things last night, but the energy simply wasn't right. That being said, I don't think clubs are really my niche anymore. I crave deeper connection and friendship. I crave love in all its many forms be that friendship or romance. The depth and intensity of experience I live for is not to be found at a club or bar I think. Yet, I'm glad I went! It was great to see my old self and new self in such stark contrast. It was a most illuminating night! As for today's poem, I think it may end up being a set of song lyrics.

Starchild

Child of the stars,

Do you know who you are?

Can you see your light

Burning bright?

Born to glimmer

In the sky

Born for greatness

Before you die

And return to the night.

So many would dim you

To soothe themselves

So many would snuff you

To justify their lives.

But you were born to shine!

Born to glimmer

In the sky

Born for greatness

Before you die

And return to the night.

So restless and yearning

Hungry for more.

So desperate to change

What you were before

So eager to rise

On the frosty air.

So brilliant and pure

Radiant child so fair.

Born to glimmer

In the sky

Born for greatness

Before you die

And return to the night.

Coming to terms with my humanity

So, I realized last night that I've been in major denial about my "darker" emotions. I sat watching a documentary called The Workshop and realized I have buried feelings of jealousy, pettiness, anger, and hatred. It was scary to see myself in the people in this movie! I realized that I do do jealous things. I'm just very secretive about them. Ha. But honestly? Yes. I check up on people on facebook, I ask carefully devised questions to find out if someone I'm dating has others in the picture. Sure, I play cavalier and disinterested. But deep down inside? I get jealous! Wow. It was freeing to own that! I realized that people out there aren't going to be interested in the cavalier, cool, fashionably disinterested me. That is just a veneer and a thin one at that. People want to know the flawed, imperfect, human David. That is the beauty of love: vulnerability. It's being human together. As much as I'd like to pretend, I still haven't ascended to enlightenment. I'm still a jealous, petty, and sometimes bitter human being. The nice thing is though that perhaps by owning this, I'll be able to transcend it. Watching the documentary last night made me realize that the first step is to articulate honestly and authentically what I'm feeling. Time to take what I learned as a performer and apply it in my life in general. Yay!!!! Poem time! I'm feeling visual today so let's write something with a visual form!

Vulnerability.

Scary and unknown.

The act has been going on too long.

But to shed the shell.

Be free of hell.

Bucking the current or floating downstream

Today and yesterday I had some interesting experiences of trying to control the uncontrollable. I was at my bank waiting to deposit a check so I then could catch trax and go to my voice lesson. Unfortunately for me, there was a customer who wouldn't leave the front counter and two people in front of me in line with what appeared to be all the checks for their businesses from over the Holiday weekend. Great! I totally missed my trax and was super peeved. Well, the irritation proved to be unfounded. I still was 5 minutes early to my voice lesson. Oh boy did I feel silly. I even accidentally forgot to grab my trax printout so I had to buy a second one. The second instance of trying to control the uncontrollable was biking out to yoga today. I literally hit every red light on my way over! Ahhh. I couldn't believe it! I decided this time to not fight the current. I missed the yoga class. No big deal. I have other things to do: this blog, sitting and chilling in the park, my Calling the One Activities, and other random stuff. So, I'm going to Kim Lynn's stiffer bodies instead. No big deal. I learned yesterday that I can't control the uncontrollable. If I had just relaxed at the bank, I still could have been on time without all the added anxiety and stress. Totally unnecessary by the way. So poetry time.

I can't win can I?

I'll never make you see.

Might as well put a hole through this wall.

At least I'd have something to show.

I can't destroy you.

I can't unmake you.

It seems the more I fight you, the stronger you get.

Perhaps I just need to surrender and give it up.

Maybe later, for now my pride wins over.

Staying centered and calm amidst chaos

I woke up a little late this morning. I had an appointment to be at sooooo I opted to do my meditation on the trax. 15 mins on my way out. 15 mins on my way back in. What a trip! I know I'm not centered, but I had no idea to what extent till I tried to meditate amidst the cacophony of conversations. I literally was refocusing every second it felt like! This is meditation though. This is our life. We are never listening, we are never present. We are all lost in our thoughts. Today was an excellent reminder of that. It's easy to zone in and quiet your mind in the silence of your bedroom. I happen to live in a very quiet apartment complex in the avenues. Now, put me in the middle of traffic or a busy trax. Where did my focus and presence go? Where is my neutrality now? Meditation isn't a way of life, or lives are a walking, moving meditation if we'd see it that way.

Chatter, blab, avoid.

Talk to make yourself real.

Keep busy to avoid how you feel.

Consume to quench your thirst.

Poor hamster in your wheel.

Each lap is a year of your life.

Never free to rest till you die.

Then back to the wheel in an instant.

Maybe it's bigger, shinier.

Still, you're running a rat race.

Facing down my demons...

Meditation as I have said before typically is very confrontational. I have had to really face down some intense garbage. I say garbage because that is what false beliefs and programs are. For me I have become acquainted with "I'm ugly," "I'm not good enough," "I'm unlovable," and a slew of others. The funny thing is that these are decisions I made a long time ago based off of something small that happened. Meditation has given me the ability to "listen" for when they come up. We all harbor so many of these false beliefs: that we are deeply flawed and somehow unworthy. I now see humanity through new eyes. I see how every defensive, petty, angry person is trying so badly to hide these beliefs from the rest of us. We go around spending our energy denying what we deeply fear is true and trying to prove otherwise. I now see the fiscal overachiever as someone trying to prove so badly that they are worthy and capable. I see the vain, narcissistic fashion model as that child that somehow felt ugly or dirty. Perhaps with enough external validation and approval, they will finally be beautiful and clean. This isn't to say that this is universal. There are people with money and power that aren't trying to prove anything. There are people of extraordinary beauty that are truly confident and sure of themselves. It just gave me a unique perspective on my fellow man. Let's take it one step further. When I observe anything in another person that displeases me, there is something about what I'm observing that hits to close to home. Perhaps that opinionated prick is reminding me of my own opinionated stubborn nature. That self-absorbed or insecure show-off is showing me how much I still rely on external validation to know "I'm ok." So, that was rather stream of consciousness. Well... Life is but a dream after all, right?

Poem time!

Sunshine is more precious than jewels.

I forget that it gives me my life.

Rain is more soothing then any flattery.

I don't see the shower as a blessing when walking in it.

My shadow pieces are my beauty.

Without my dark, how could I know my light?

The ugliness in me and the world is priceless.

Beauty can't exist without ugliness beside it.

Perhaps I can give up my conditional view.

Let me welcome in the stark contrast.

The contrast shows me the way to bliss.