Hmmmmmm.....

Well, I sit here at exactly noon on a Friday morning feeling a little off. I just took the hardest stand I have ever taken for myself last night. I've said this before, but it's easy to be you when everyone is giving you a standing ovation. It's much harder and revealing of your mettle if you can be you under the disapproval and anger of those around you. Last night was what I would consider a big test. How much do I value myself? No, really. How much does David value David? What are David's wants, desires, feelings, and preferences worth? I finally showed myself once and for all last night that I am the most important person to me in my life. This is never an easy stand to take especially when we send someone else flying off the handle by asserting this. I was involved in a friendship gone toxic. I had become that friend you all know with the awful ex that they keep getting back together with except in my case the relationship was platonic. I've known now for several weeks that this friendship needed to shift or end. The work I've been doing with meditation, journaling, and self-care showed me that. I just didn't want to see it. After all, this friendship was a crutch and distraction I knew so well. In many ways I do still love and care about this person. The issue was that it was at my expense. This friendship increasingly got in the way of my life. More and more this person needed validation and support. It was getting to be something of a part-time job. I was being pulled away from things I needed to be doing: my music, my writing, my self-care, my yoga. I should say I chose to be pulled away. I take responsibility for creating and staying in this toxic friendship, but I feel like I made the right choice. I'm not going to engage or respond because this needed to be a clean break for both of our sakes. I finally understand what lovers go through or what other friends have gone through when ending such a friendship or love relationship. It's damn hard, and we really just don't want to see what's right in front of our noses. I just thank heavens that I had the presence and willpower to end it. In some ways I feel like a survivor today. It's a sobering fact that no matter how together I think I am, there is still something like this lurking in my life that I'm not wanting to look at. I think today is going to be dedicated to introspection and reflection.

Alone and at peace.

I seek release.

Quiet of mind

Not knowing what I'll find.

But sure the journey's worth it.