Honoring ourselves...

My thought today has to do with honoring ourselves. It's easy when the crowds are cheering, when are friends are congratulating us, or when we're honoring others by doing so. It's much harder when we upset those close to us, when we earn condemnation instead of respect, or when we go against our instincts to please others. Selfishness is hard! It's hard to stand up and voice our needs. Everyone thinks that selflessness is easy, but it's the cheap cheaters way out. It's easy to go through life appeasing people, telling them what they want to hear, and not speaking your truth. It's easy to go along with what others want. There is so much delicious distraction in immersing ourselves in the needs and wants of others. So much opportunity for martyrdom and blockage. We love drowning ourselves in others because it takes all responsibility off of ourselves. What if all our emotions, needs and wants, and even thoughts were all our responsibility. It's powerful but scary. It means taking responsibility for me. It means standing up for my needs, desires, and wants first. It means stepping on others' toes from time to time. After all, what I want may be in conflict with what they want. But.... It's not my job to be what they want me to be. I am responsible only for me. They are responsible for them. People will try and test this. They will subtly and cleverly try to subvert our will to what they want. We all are guilty of this to some point. We want others to change to make us feel better, we want circumstances and our surroundings to shift to give us relief. It is our job to find the relief and to change our view of others to shift how we feel. Tact is easy, backing down is easy, owning your power and truth is the true challenge in life. Poetry.

I am

That is all.

Nothing more,

Nothing less.

Is it true?

Today I came to the realization that I need to start reexamining everything I "know" about myself and others. Is it true really? Oh, I may have gathered evidence, and I may have people on my side. Still, the question remains... Is it true? Really, is it true? If someone is irritating you, if someone is angering you, if you have a negative belief about yourself... Is it really true? I realized that sometimes we all fight reality and tell stories. We fight how people are and project how we think they should be. This goes on all the time for all of us. I was reading a small booklet from a brilliant writer named Byron Katie, and I realized that today I chose to go into something that was "true" that made me unhappy. From an Abraham Hicks perspective, a belief is only a thought you keep thinking. It's only true because we give our attention to it. I realized that I can choose to ignore people if I find them irritating in a certain moment. I can choose to leave a situation that doesn't feel good. I can even choose to stay in the situation and change how I'm viewing it. So fascinating! I could choose to love and accept my body. My perfectionism is the only thing stopping me from doing that. Is my deep down fear that I have an ugly body true? I have had other people that have literally seen my entire body from head to toe say otherwise. So what's true? Neither! That's the answer. Now, if I want to exercise, build more muscle, I can. I wonder how much of the energy I spent trying to hide my insecurities and fears could have been better spent in a yoga class, or doing pilates. It's utterly fascinating! I've been pushing so hard against what is. Byron Katie says instead accept what is and then decide what to do about it or how to shift it. Such a small leap but utterly brilliant. Here's another one: it will be challenging for me to find love. Is that true? Have I never loved before? I am loved right now. So I know it's not true! I could just as easily believe that love is easy to find. Romantic love will flow to me easily. I really am excited to delve deeper into Byron Katie's work. I really enjoy it! I think it will help me dissolve some of my most self-defeating thought patterns or at least become aware of them so I can shift them. Now for a poem! Something whimsical and fun tonight I think!

Child of the stars

Wandering afar

In this heavy world

From the heavens hurled.

You long to be free

Blown upon the breeze.

But care weighs you down

Turns your smile to a frown

How can you be lively

When the world's so heavy?

Before you shined in the sky

Always free to soar and fly.

But here you feel misunderstood

Unsure of what way would be good

I'll tell you child to shine despite

And fill the world with radiant light

No matter the choice, just glow

And you'll find your bliss here below.

Meet me in outer space...

So, last night was a night of realizations. I went to Pure for pride weekend. It was an interesting mix of people. This time though I decided to sit back and observe. I just watched. I turned my night at the club into a meditation. What I saw was myself in the past. I saw the quiet desperation poorly concealed under a facade of bravado. I saw my intense desire to find "something." As my wonderful Abraham friend would say: "You've been looking for love in all the wrong places friend." Now, not that a club is a wrong place per se, it's just that any place is the wrong place without self-love. I took a step back and looked at me. I realized that there is so much to love. I realized that in a way I've been hiding my light under a bushel. It's time for me to shine. I also realized that I can leave behind the need to make anything happen. It was nice to let go of that! I didn't really get approached by anyone, but I didn't see anyone that actually would fit. I think I had been so blinded by the light and smoke and mirrors of glamour that I couldn't see what was right for me! Beauty is all well and good, but it is about as lasting as the morning dew. When the intense light of the sun shines on it, it fades away like a puff of smoke on the breeze. Any love needs to be built on something more lasting than just attraction. I see now how wrong so many of the options I pursued in the past were for me! It's almost as if I subconsciously pursued all the wrong ones on purpose. No more! I did see several nice "shiny" things last night, but the energy simply wasn't right. That being said, I don't think clubs are really my niche anymore. I crave deeper connection and friendship. I crave love in all its many forms be that friendship or romance. The depth and intensity of experience I live for is not to be found at a club or bar I think. Yet, I'm glad I went! It was great to see my old self and new self in such stark contrast. It was a most illuminating night! As for today's poem, I think it may end up being a set of song lyrics.

Starchild

Child of the stars,

Do you know who you are?

Can you see your light

Burning bright?

Born to glimmer

In the sky

Born for greatness

Before you die

And return to the night.

So many would dim you

To soothe themselves

So many would snuff you

To justify their lives.

But you were born to shine!

Born to glimmer

In the sky

Born for greatness

Before you die

And return to the night.

So restless and yearning

Hungry for more.

So desperate to change

What you were before

So eager to rise

On the frosty air.

So brilliant and pure

Radiant child so fair.

Born to glimmer

In the sky

Born for greatness

Before you die

And return to the night.

Coming to terms with my humanity

So, I realized last night that I've been in major denial about my "darker" emotions. I sat watching a documentary called The Workshop and realized I have buried feelings of jealousy, pettiness, anger, and hatred. It was scary to see myself in the people in this movie! I realized that I do do jealous things. I'm just very secretive about them. Ha. But honestly? Yes. I check up on people on facebook, I ask carefully devised questions to find out if someone I'm dating has others in the picture. Sure, I play cavalier and disinterested. But deep down inside? I get jealous! Wow. It was freeing to own that! I realized that people out there aren't going to be interested in the cavalier, cool, fashionably disinterested me. That is just a veneer and a thin one at that. People want to know the flawed, imperfect, human David. That is the beauty of love: vulnerability. It's being human together. As much as I'd like to pretend, I still haven't ascended to enlightenment. I'm still a jealous, petty, and sometimes bitter human being. The nice thing is though that perhaps by owning this, I'll be able to transcend it. Watching the documentary last night made me realize that the first step is to articulate honestly and authentically what I'm feeling. Time to take what I learned as a performer and apply it in my life in general. Yay!!!! Poem time! I'm feeling visual today so let's write something with a visual form!

Vulnerability.

Scary and unknown.

The act has been going on too long.

But to shed the shell.

Be free of hell.

Bucking the current or floating downstream

Today and yesterday I had some interesting experiences of trying to control the uncontrollable. I was at my bank waiting to deposit a check so I then could catch trax and go to my voice lesson. Unfortunately for me, there was a customer who wouldn't leave the front counter and two people in front of me in line with what appeared to be all the checks for their businesses from over the Holiday weekend. Great! I totally missed my trax and was super peeved. Well, the irritation proved to be unfounded. I still was 5 minutes early to my voice lesson. Oh boy did I feel silly. I even accidentally forgot to grab my trax printout so I had to buy a second one. The second instance of trying to control the uncontrollable was biking out to yoga today. I literally hit every red light on my way over! Ahhh. I couldn't believe it! I decided this time to not fight the current. I missed the yoga class. No big deal. I have other things to do: this blog, sitting and chilling in the park, my Calling the One Activities, and other random stuff. So, I'm going to Kim Lynn's stiffer bodies instead. No big deal. I learned yesterday that I can't control the uncontrollable. If I had just relaxed at the bank, I still could have been on time without all the added anxiety and stress. Totally unnecessary by the way. So poetry time.

I can't win can I?

I'll never make you see.

Might as well put a hole through this wall.

At least I'd have something to show.

I can't destroy you.

I can't unmake you.

It seems the more I fight you, the stronger you get.

Perhaps I just need to surrender and give it up.

Maybe later, for now my pride wins over.

Staying centered and calm amidst chaos

I woke up a little late this morning. I had an appointment to be at sooooo I opted to do my meditation on the trax. 15 mins on my way out. 15 mins on my way back in. What a trip! I know I'm not centered, but I had no idea to what extent till I tried to meditate amidst the cacophony of conversations. I literally was refocusing every second it felt like! This is meditation though. This is our life. We are never listening, we are never present. We are all lost in our thoughts. Today was an excellent reminder of that. It's easy to zone in and quiet your mind in the silence of your bedroom. I happen to live in a very quiet apartment complex in the avenues. Now, put me in the middle of traffic or a busy trax. Where did my focus and presence go? Where is my neutrality now? Meditation isn't a way of life, or lives are a walking, moving meditation if we'd see it that way.

Chatter, blab, avoid.

Talk to make yourself real.

Keep busy to avoid how you feel.

Consume to quench your thirst.

Poor hamster in your wheel.

Each lap is a year of your life.

Never free to rest till you die.

Then back to the wheel in an instant.

Maybe it's bigger, shinier.

Still, you're running a rat race.

Facing down my demons...

Meditation as I have said before typically is very confrontational. I have had to really face down some intense garbage. I say garbage because that is what false beliefs and programs are. For me I have become acquainted with "I'm ugly," "I'm not good enough," "I'm unlovable," and a slew of others. The funny thing is that these are decisions I made a long time ago based off of something small that happened. Meditation has given me the ability to "listen" for when they come up. We all harbor so many of these false beliefs: that we are deeply flawed and somehow unworthy. I now see humanity through new eyes. I see how every defensive, petty, angry person is trying so badly to hide these beliefs from the rest of us. We go around spending our energy denying what we deeply fear is true and trying to prove otherwise. I now see the fiscal overachiever as someone trying to prove so badly that they are worthy and capable. I see the vain, narcissistic fashion model as that child that somehow felt ugly or dirty. Perhaps with enough external validation and approval, they will finally be beautiful and clean. This isn't to say that this is universal. There are people with money and power that aren't trying to prove anything. There are people of extraordinary beauty that are truly confident and sure of themselves. It just gave me a unique perspective on my fellow man. Let's take it one step further. When I observe anything in another person that displeases me, there is something about what I'm observing that hits to close to home. Perhaps that opinionated prick is reminding me of my own opinionated stubborn nature. That self-absorbed or insecure show-off is showing me how much I still rely on external validation to know "I'm ok." So, that was rather stream of consciousness. Well... Life is but a dream after all, right?

Poem time!

Sunshine is more precious than jewels.

I forget that it gives me my life.

Rain is more soothing then any flattery.

I don't see the shower as a blessing when walking in it.

My shadow pieces are my beauty.

Without my dark, how could I know my light?

The ugliness in me and the world is priceless.

Beauty can't exist without ugliness beside it.

Perhaps I can give up my conditional view.

Let me welcome in the stark contrast.

The contrast shows me the way to bliss.