Moving on...

So, a friendship that was codependent was ended on my end. I was part of the problem. Actually, probably 100% responsible for the codependency on my end. I allowed it to be that way. I decided today that I'm ready to look forward. I used these events as a focal point for the last week or so to gain clarity. Now, I'm just ready to go with the expansion and leave the rest. The expansion results in me having healthy boundaries with people. It results in the possibility of love coming into my life. For whatever reason, this person was part of what I was using to block that from coming in. They were trying and I was allowing them to fill that space in my life. I cannot express enough gratitude for the intense contrast of this experience. This person helped me to identify healthy boundaries for myself and showed me that I really could own and maintain them with others. I feel nothing but joy when I contemplate what came out of this interaction. If I could draw boundaries in this challenging situation, I can draw them anywhere! How amazing is that? Something else that occurred to me today was the way we all try to control the uncontrollable. That was something else I learned out of this experience. Said person sent a barrage of emails to me and another friend. I chose to feel irritation at these emails. I was half tempted to respond and get back into the drama. What I realized is that I always have the option to ignore the undesirable and uncontrollable and turn my focus elsewhere. In this case, responding wouldn't have served me or the other. So, I didn't read most of the emails and just deleted them instead. Powerful indeed. When we let go of our need to control or "argue" with what is, we have the ability to shift our lives quickly and powerfully. So, all of that being expressed, I declare this chapter closed and finished in my life. Thank you for the clarity (you know who you are.) Thank you for showing me areas I wasn't seeing. Thank you for being in my life, and now I bless and release you. Now, poetry time!!! I'm feeling less lazy today so something a bit more fleshed out I think will be in order.

Oh beautiful day

Carry me away

On the cloud of perfume

That fills up my room.

The flowers are lovely

The sun shining above me.

I'll slow down today

Give my worries away.

Well-being is flowing

There's nothing I'm owing

To prove my worth

My value on Earth.

I was born deserving

Of joy never ending.

Thank you for my life.

Thank you for the strife.

For all contrast aids me

To create my identity.

Preferences are chosen

And my world keeps growing.

So it is till I croke

I can say death is a joke

I'm eternal it's true

Offers this unconventional view.

Thank you.

Musings...

Today I took a step back and thought a bit about where I am headed and what I want. I then thought about where I am. I realized how much I have to be grateful for. I'm literally living in the apartment of my dreams, I have an amazing career, I'm creatively active again, I have the love of so many amazing friends whom I love in return, I'm young and the world is big and full of expansion and adventure, and I'm happy most of the time. That is nothing to sneeze at. I've learned some difficult lessons lately and moved on into the new, expanded version of myself. I'm feeling a bit lazy today to be honest though, so I'll leave it at that. As for the poem.....

Cellar door.

Effort versus Ease in Life...

There is this idea out there in the world that we must work hard for anything we want. No pain no gain. Overcome, conquer. Yada yada yada. I'm finding more and more that I just don't buy it. It's not that there won't be work, but when the work is out of love and alignment, it just doesn't feel hard. I've lately discovered this with my songwriting. I've written some of my best material in a matter of 30 minutes. I literally feel buzzed on energy when I'm writing from that place of alignment. The melodies, the lyrics, the rhythm... they all just flow through me like a river through it's stream bed. I've also noticed this same phenomenon when performing. I spend hours rehearsing each week, but I don't even notice. I'll sit down at the piano and start singing and literally two hours will zoom by in what feels like 10 minutes. I've begun thinking of this in terms of making a career out of my music. Do I really need to "struggle" and "work" to get myself out there? Do I need to prove my talent and worth? Nope. I just need to show up and do what I do. The right openings will come and out of my alignment, I'll walk through the doors that lead to success. I'm feeling that it will come in a series of "lucky" breaks. I know that I want a major record deal and that I want a band. I know that the right band members will already show up. I think I've already found one. The label deal will show up too. This isn't to say that I haven't been in action. The action just happens though. It's not work. That's the distinction. I think it would be hard to see the difference between this and plain "laziness" if you hadn't experienced it for yourself. But anyways...

I suffered for love and asked why

Love shouldn't be suffering.

Love is a joy, a choice.

I've sat in silence for friendship

I've bitten my tongue, but now see

Friendship that can't bear truth isn't friendship at all.

I thought myself strong and independent.

Free as the wind, but one tie makes me bound

I am a codependent period if I am codependent with even one.

I would strive for wholeness from inside out.

I would be un-needing of others so that I can freely choose them.

I would be my own source of joy and life

Only then can I share myself with another.

I see now that twisted love will quash real love's shoots

The needy, grasping vines will choke any healthy growth.

Though I am most fond of this weed, it must be pulled

For the sake of rare true love's exquisite bloom.

I have labored long to weed and prune the garden of my heart and soul

Now perhaps at last I may contemplate in the 11th hour

The harvest coming from my labors.

I am my own life's work.

Hmmmmmm.....

Well, I sit here at exactly noon on a Friday morning feeling a little off. I just took the hardest stand I have ever taken for myself last night. I've said this before, but it's easy to be you when everyone is giving you a standing ovation. It's much harder and revealing of your mettle if you can be you under the disapproval and anger of those around you. Last night was what I would consider a big test. How much do I value myself? No, really. How much does David value David? What are David's wants, desires, feelings, and preferences worth? I finally showed myself once and for all last night that I am the most important person to me in my life. This is never an easy stand to take especially when we send someone else flying off the handle by asserting this. I was involved in a friendship gone toxic. I had become that friend you all know with the awful ex that they keep getting back together with except in my case the relationship was platonic. I've known now for several weeks that this friendship needed to shift or end. The work I've been doing with meditation, journaling, and self-care showed me that. I just didn't want to see it. After all, this friendship was a crutch and distraction I knew so well. In many ways I do still love and care about this person. The issue was that it was at my expense. This friendship increasingly got in the way of my life. More and more this person needed validation and support. It was getting to be something of a part-time job. I was being pulled away from things I needed to be doing: my music, my writing, my self-care, my yoga. I should say I chose to be pulled away. I take responsibility for creating and staying in this toxic friendship, but I feel like I made the right choice. I'm not going to engage or respond because this needed to be a clean break for both of our sakes. I finally understand what lovers go through or what other friends have gone through when ending such a friendship or love relationship. It's damn hard, and we really just don't want to see what's right in front of our noses. I just thank heavens that I had the presence and willpower to end it. In some ways I feel like a survivor today. It's a sobering fact that no matter how together I think I am, there is still something like this lurking in my life that I'm not wanting to look at. I think today is going to be dedicated to introspection and reflection.

Alone and at peace.

I seek release.

Quiet of mind

Not knowing what I'll find.

But sure the journey's worth it.

Change at a cost...

We all say that we want change in so many ways. We want better health, more wealth, better friends, a lover, or maybe a better lover than the one we have. I wonder how often we shoot ourselves in the foot by refusing to give up what is standing in the way of this happening. Perhaps in order to fully stand alone in my power, that means surrendering any friendships that are codependent. Perhaps to meet the lover of my dreams, I need to give up my ideas of what that is going to look like. Perhaps to become a successful musician/singer/songwriter, I need to give up the unhealthy habits that sabotage my art. This isn't always easy. Often what is stopping us will be cleverly disguised like a wolf in sheep's clothing. It could be that friend we love so well, but also constantly has drama and takes away our focus from our own lives and dreams. It could be that mentor or teacher that gives praise but also cuts us to the bone with unduly harsh criticism. It is much more comfortable to maintain the status quo so to speak. At least I know what to expect in this situation. Besides, I get so much mileage out of complaining about it rather than getting off my butt and doing something about it! I'm grateful that sometimes life gets to the point that I feel forced to shift. Occasionally we all need that big whap upside the head to get us back into reality and out of our rose tinted dream worlds. I'm so grateful for these difficult lessons because I know they contribute wildly to my expansion. It's a good feeling indeed. Now for a poem....

Love, I'd surrender.

I'd meld with you.

But a part would remain alone.

My darling, I'd sink

Into the depths of your passion

But still I'd remain separate.

We are two become one, yes.

But still we're alone first.

Rather than trying to fight

Rather than trying to deny

Let's accept the paradox as simply so.

A case for selfishness?

I am in the process of doing an amazing self-led course that teaches one to love oneself more. I found it interesting reading about selfishness today. I had the realization that I tend to be someone that puts the needs and wants of others before my own. It's interesting. I think it's why I get to a boiling point with people sometimes. If I had just said what was on my mind to begin with, I wouldn't feel put out or irritated. I also had the realization that I tend towards unhealthy dynamics from time to time in friendships. I actually can see that one friendship in particular has become a bit entangled and codependent. I've learned that my part in this has been just going with it. I'm responsible for not speaking up before hand even though it may have hurt feelings or even angered this person. So, I feel like I want to make a commitment today to make this new mode of being more real for me. I commit to speaking my truth even in the face of disapproval, hurt, and anger. I commit to honoring my own boundaries with others. I realize that it's not their job to know them, it's my job to articulate them. I commit to putting my needs, wants, and desires before those of others. I commit to maintaining healthy boundaries and honoring the boundaries of others after my own. I commit to authenticity in my interactions with others. I commit to loving myself and exploring being alone. I commit to reveling in being alone. Also, I commit to communicating what's been on my mind to the friend whom I've not been 100% straight with. I know that when these things are voiced, it may end the friendship. I'm prepared for that. If being in integrity and honoring myself results in her being hurt or upset, there is nothing I can do to control that. Really, the case for selfishness can be made on the fact that we can't control how others are anyways. We might as well just focus on ourselves!

I want to rip into you,

Tear you apart.

But I'd only be killing a mirage.

My idea of you isn't you.

Nor your idea of me.

Violence of words serves no point.

I can just let you be what you are.

I can let go of the need to control.

Time to stay to my side of the street.

Love and Romance

Today I had an interesting thought come up about romance and love. I think we have some interesting extremes at play in our society at the moment. On the one hand you have people preaching monogamy and commitment, on the other you have people absolutely opposed to commitment. I wonder about this sometimes. Love is such a personal thing. It's experiential. It's not something that can be recreated in words. Who's to say love has the limitations or requirements we put on it? Love could just BE. This got me thinking about how over-sexualized our culture is on the one hand and on the other so against sex. It's a war of images and philosophies. I find it interesting that our marketing, advertising, and film are filled with sexual images while at the same time we push so hard against "immorality." The same people preaching watch TV. For me there has to be a solution that is both personal and transcends this conflict. I can say the crazy non-committed life is not for me, but yet I can also say I don't know if I ever would want to be married either. Reading Osho's book about love really shifted some things for me. He talks about love only existing till it doesn't anymore. You can never know when love will simply not be there anymore. Interesting no? I think for me I would love with abandon and without limits while I love. I would love without rules, borders, or limits. I would love like a stranger to the ways of the world. I would love in David's own way.

If I'm not living in my body and temple

Then I'm not fully alive.

I can choose to judge it, to criticize.

Or perhaps praise and encouragement are best.

I can choose to follow the crowd and adopt their tastes.

Or could I blaze my own path through the forest?

Is it wrong to see the perfection in my imperfection?

I think not. Thoughts are fleeting so why not choose those that feel best.